Its Going Down!

Dante: There’s been a lot of stuff in the news about people eating each other. Some are saying its cannibals because zombies don’t exist to which I say when I am running from man-eating humans I’m not trying to pontificate whether one is the other. I’m gonna just run like I’m on fire…and being chased by a zombie. Let’s start with the first story to break which was the guy eating a man “down to his goatee.” What does that even mean?

"It means I'm hungry!"

What did you think when you started reading these damn things and seeing that they were spreading?

Camille: First of all, it shows that I am not paying attention to the news anymore! I hadn't heard of any of these stories! WTF!? Actually, I heard about them in passing when either you or someone at work would mention people eating people, bath salts, zombies in Florida or other crazy story snippets, but this is the first time I'm actually reading the stories. Goodness gracious. What the heck is going on?

“Down to his goatee” is sort of like when people say something like “she stripped down to her lacy under things.” The face eating attacker ate all of his face away except the goatee. Maybe he was stopped. Maybe he didn't like the idea of scratchy hair texture against his inner cheeks. Who the hell knows?! I read some of the follow-up reports and there was no human flesh found in his stomach, so he never swallowed. What a waste! Imagine waking up and finding out your face was eaten off by a snaggletoothed cannibal poser carrying a bible?

Dante: The bible would have made me go “Figures…” I don’t know why but it makes sense that he’d have a bible. He probably has a verse highlighted that backs up what he did. “And God said eat thine brother for he hath delicious face parts.” People started sending me these stories because this is exactly the type of stuff I wait for just so I can say “It’s about to go down.” Knowing that he didn’t swallow makes me picture him doing it the way Cookie Monster eats.

Cookie Monster don't play.

Then there was the nut who drank some mushroom tea and ate his friends heart. They are trying to paint it like “MMA guy goes insane!” as if that’s something that’s a part of the sport. No, drinking mushroom tea makes you go insane! That’s not part of a training regimen. “Hey, man. Make sure you take your crazy juice so you think your opponent is Godzilla, okay?”


Plus, anyone that has that haircut that is a long Mohawk not brushed up is automatically butterfly net worthy.

Nom nom nom nom!

Camille: Yeah. His hair is like a modified mullet: Militant around the sides with strip of WTF on top! My favorite part of that story is that Wyatt's reasoning was: “Satan was in that dude.” I read some more on it, and wouldn't you know, he removed the “dude's” face, too!

Hmmm...his lawyer said “my client was trying to silence the devil…” Maybe he was bible thumping, too? Do I see a theme? I bet they both have a verse highlighted that said something like “removeth the face of the devil!” or they both just happened to watch Face/Off recently. Great film, by the way!

And by great Camille means fucking great.

Dante: As much as I love Face/Off there’s no way in hell I’d use that movie as a template for anything in my life. Especially considering that both John Travolta and Nic Cage are lunatics in real life. One of these crazy ass stories that got me was the one where the Kenyan guy ate his roommate.

This guy looks perfectly normal...

I was surprised that he let himself get caught. He’s a Kenyan for fuck’s sake! The only time they’re not moving fast is after winning the L.A Marathon and getting the check for running faster than everyone on Erf.

Camille: Don't rely on what you learn from Power Thirst commercials! Not only can Kenyans be slow, but they can also be bad criminals. Case in point.

Pictured: fastest thing ever.

Dante: The best part of these types of stories is when people say either “I never expected him to do something like this!” God forbid you knew someone where’d you’d be able to say “Oh, yeah. I totally knew that he’d eat someone’s brain and heart one day.”

Camille: Oh! My! Did you read that after they found the head and hands in the basement the guy was trying to play it off and say they weren't even human: “Yeah, dude. That's from when I went hunting last winter. Remember that, uh, deer, yeah! Deer. Yeah. That's totally not a hand. Its a hoof, dude. Yeah.”

He held onto that story until he finally confessed. And this guy really did eat his victim. None of this Cookie-Monster gorging!

I'm reading this news article and pan over to related news and these are the options:

“Husband Cuts Off Wife's Lips and Eats Them”
“Artist Cooks and Serves Own Genitals”
“China Serial Killer Fed Victims to Dog”
“4k Gold Vibrator Stolen in Brazilian Heist”

I don't see any cars flipped over, but maybe it IS about to go down!

Dante: You know that thing where mentally you just have to let people know “You know what? I’m just in a bad place.” That’s the entire planet right now! Suddenly people are turning friends and family into Manwich’s. And I will always get my life lesson from Power Thirst ads. It turns people with Down’s Syndrome into energetic people with Down’s Syndrome…it’s a very slight adjustment.


The last story I wanna talk about is the German gay porn star cannibal. Not a single thing about that entire last sentence is soothing. This dude did stuff that I wont even go into here because I like sleeping at night. But this crazy bastard was the last in the line of folks to flip their shit. And he wasn’t even taking bath salts!

Bieber...?

Speaking of which, how are they legal? Why can I go out and buy a drug whose side effect is eating people? If someone finds body parts you didn’t finish eating because you were stuffed…burn it. I’m not trying to give cannibals tips or anything but seriously. Putting it in buckets and leaving it laying around is just bush league.


And why in the blue hell would someone own a gold vibrator?

Why wouldn't you?!

Camille: Yeah! Exactly, when you can get a vibe for like $5 that works just fine! I think people are just obsessed with owning expensive stuff. Like you can't just buy a bra from Victoria's Secret. You have to get the diamond encrusted one for 2.5 million. Why would you want that? Its not like you can wear that anywhere. It will totally make your boobs look lumpy!

Derp.

Dante: Not to mention a waste of perfectly natural looking boobs. Girls don’t need to waste their money on Victoria’s Secret. No guy is gonna go “Man, I like her boobs but they’d look better if they were covered in expensive ass lingerie.” I lie. Some guys do that. They’re called “assholes.”

Camille: About the bath salts, it seems that the creators snuck the drug into the market just by calling it something that is relatively safe and legal. Three of the chemicals involved in bath salts have been banned (temporarily illegal) by the DEA, but street chemists can just use other stuff to make it. And some states have banned selling the stuff, but there has yet to be a permanent law. All kinds of drug-induced experiences have been reported from use of bath salts.

Dante: And like I’ve said a thousand times. I can fully understand why some people do certain drugs. Some drugs do look fun. But things like crack, meth, and bath salts? God, no! There is nothing fun about eating people…above the waist. 

Camille: I think I saw something about Ze German on the news saying he might have been the person to cut up that guy found in Griffith Park last year...was that last year...no! That was January 2012. I wasn't too far off. Did you know he messed with his own face by getting plastic surgery to look more like James Dean? It didn't help. He looks like a demented guy that I would totally clutch my purse and cross the street for.

Uhmm...have you seen Ze German's ex named Barbie? Yeah. And even better did you see what he was doing when they caught him? Looking up naked pictures of himself. I don't even know. I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE!

What Camille does when she doesn't know anymore.

Dante: I have read up on Ze German and there is nothing about him that is normal. Nothing. He’s done some pretty honked up stuff to humans and animals. He needs to immediately be wiped off the globe. I don’t like that he gets to breathe my air. Hey, Ze German! Stop breathing! Did it work?